About a week ago, I was spending time with the Lord, feeling completely defeated, messy, and in so much pain that my internal cry was ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be ok again.’ But in that moment, God’s response cut through all my anger and grief and hit me right in the heart. He said to me
‘Chantelle, you’re not broken. You’re not ‘not ok,’ you’re not a mess, you’re not alone. You are ok. You are strong. You are whole. You are wild. You are free. In fact, you are a hero in the faith!
You belong to me.’
It snapped me out of a downward spiral that’s for sure. I felt encouraged and able to keep going, but I didn’t however understand the depth of what He had said to me. The past week being back in Brisbane, I’ve been able to sit with people who love me – every part no matter what it looks like, unafraid of the pain they’ve sat with me as I’ve sorted through the things I’ve been feeling and allowed me to piece together exactly what He meant when He told me – actually you ARE ok.
Here’s what I’ve discovered..
Pain doesn’t mean we’re not ok. Pain means we’re alive. Fully engaging with our hearts in moments that are outwardly awful. Because they’re inwardly awful. But it doesn’t mean we’re not ok, in fact it means the opposite. Because we sit in those moments with the Father who so deeply desires to hold us when it does hurt, we allow our hearts to fully feel, and fully be held.
[‘You intend to stay.. with me’ Yaz Williams]
I realised that for a little while, I had been resisting the Father. Because to come close, meant to fully feel, and fully feeling meant more pain than I believed I could bare. I couldn’t bare to feel that much, to feel as though my heart had been crushed beyond the point of recovery. But really, in those moments of resisting, I was not ok.
Maybe being ok is not appearing outwardly pleasant or happy all the time. Maybe being ok is really giving our hearts the room, the permission to speak, to be fully heard and expressed. To sit with our hearts in moments of deep grief or pain and allowing it to be free in those moments before our closest friend and brother – Jesus, to be wildly poured out over His feet, to be still long enough for Him to come close enough to be the one to comfort us when we think we may never be ok again.
Maybe THATS true freedom. Maybe that’s what it looks like to be really ok. Maybe that’s why He told me ‘You’re ok’ and maybe that’s why I believed Him.
We have been created in His image, with all the feels and all the emotions, from joy to sadness and EVERYTHING in between. So why wouldn’t we trust and allow our hearts to feel but in that process, in those moments, be fully held by Him?
“The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and he is always ready to restore the repentant one. Even when bad things happen to the good and godly ones, the Lord will save them and not let them be defeated by what they face.”
Psalms 34:18-19 TPT
He so desires to be involved, like an invested Father in His child’s life, although He is all knowing, he restrains Himself to engage with us on our level, a conversation, communion – ‘Please tell me about that, how are you?’ What a kind Father, to know, but choose to engage as though He knew nothing? He cares so deeply about our hearts and longs for us to ‘get’ that He intends to stay.
He intends to stay.
So would you let Him in?
Would you go there with Him?
Would you believe Him when He says ‘you’re ok’
Even if it doesn’t look like what you’ve believed ‘ok’ should be?
Would you give your heart permission to speak, to fully feel and engage with it in moments of pain?
Even as I’ve been penning my thoughts I’ve been sobbing and sitting with the Father in it. I miss Kim, my sister, my best friend – more than I can express in words.
Pain isn’t bad.
Pain doesn’t mean you’re not ok.
Pain is a gift.
Maybe it’s about our perspective.
Take some time to sit with the Father, explore places in your heart with Him that may have been shut down. Give your heart permission to fully feel and journal with the Holy Spirit about what you find.